My first wobble since coming off Prozac

It started with a nagging thought

‘I go to hold his hand more than he goes to hold mine’.

The iconic Portugese Pastel de nata.

Oh, the power of a paranoid thought!

A single moment of ‘catastrophising’, of anxiously questioning who loved who the most, was enough to trigger a farcical downward spiral. It ended when my fiancé made a suggestion: perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea to come off my medication after all. In his words, ‘it’s like a part of you tortures yourself when you’re not on Prozac’. Followed by ‘we get on so much better when you’re on meds’.

So everything’s hunky dory now, right?

Frustratingly, no it’s not. My fella is not happy with my decision to continue trying to heal med-free, and has ran out of patience for any conversation on the subject. I don’t write that to paint an unflattering picture of him, he’s a very good guy. There was a great many years when he freely gave emotional support, but one thing’s very clear: that time has passed. He says it’s because his support did not actually improve anything, it did not help — only Prozac did. I hear his point and respect his need for boundaries. I also feel hurt. I hoped that all the strategies I’ve been employing to move through difficult feelings would be enough; like exercise, weekly coaching, eating well, journalling, creative writing — and yet here I am. I’m tired of having to pour so much energy into something as simple as just feeling ok.

Time to regroup

Big breath. This doesn’t have to be the end of my med-free experiment. I can label it a ‘wobble’ instead and try to find the positives in the last few weeks:

  • Despite my wobble I have kept up eating well and keeping fit, which has given me a greater sense of control over myself and my life.
  • Despite rowing with my man, we have also had some loving conversations. Plus I suspect I’m not the only one left reflecting how they could be a better partner.
  • Despite doubting whether I could stay off Prozac, this experience has also strengthened my resolve to try.
  • I will re-write old stories around rejection with a new affirmation: “I am accepted and loved for who I am.”
  • I will practice giving myself that which I most seek from others: loving kindness, understanding, forgiveness. How? I’ll book a relaxing massage, and give myself a break from feeling bad about not being the perfect partner.
  • I will reward myself for keeping going. You can’t buy happiness, but you can treat yourself as someone who is deserving, warts and all. Besides, there’s a handbag I’ve had my eye on for a while now ;)

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Hayley Jade

Hayley Jade

Writer & Creative | Transformational Breath® | If you like my Medium ‘column’ discover my vlogs and original music at https://linktr.ee/hellohayleyjade